Malbork - touch the history

Yes, just wow! We, I mean me, Milenka and some interns, were in Malbork today. It was really cool. I hadn't had remember that it's so impressive, huge, beautiful... We called the trip "Malbork - touch the history" and that's true - we could just touch it. So close. Medival ages. More than 700 years of history... You could almost feel the spirit - knights are practising, ladies are walking around and watching them, monks are praying, people are working... Just living. Just as today but so different.
We just caught a group with English guide - for us didn't make any difference and it was easier than translating - and I even got to know some unknown facts for me. About the war, rebuilding it, "normal" day in different times, etc...
And then we went for some coffee, chocolate in Gdansk. Some people left, some joined. At the beginning it was supposed to be a bear but we changed our minds :) Getting older and older :)

One minute ago somebody approached me at gadugadu, I don't know this person at all, but he wished me goodnight. So nice and sweet :)

It’s finished!

Yes, that’s true. Conference has passed. Quite a big learning I would say. In terms of cooperation within National Team, within international team, managing different and difficult situations with a huge amount of negative emotion and of course in terms of facilitating and sessions delivery (I’ve received good feedback so it’s cool). I have quite many outcomes about flexibility of agenda and fulfilling delegate’s needs, adjusting agenda to the situation… It was quite a big challenge. Unfortunately I also felt a little bit not “used” to the end. I mean that I could contribute more and do more. I guess there are two reasons and there is nobody to blame for. Just maybe I could have to have bigger initiative but also this is just managing resources within national team and using NST potential. But anyway I had more to do as I was at PM track that rest of NST which was at EB track. There are more frustrated….

Also I agreed (that was obvious from the begging that I would) to coordinate Invest Yourself from national level. That is going to be challenge from many reasons. Firstly, just the task. Then OCP of the conference. And ER side. But on the other hand that would be my responsibility, my task from the beginning. My own one! Ha! And I’m sure that I can count on the support, especially Patryk so it will be great. I was supposed to talk with him about it, but then I realized that I want to him to convince me. And that wasn’t proper approach at all. So, to be sure that’s my own decision I didn’t. At Tuesday Edytka will call me and we will set some details. I have to prepare for this talk…

Also there is one more thing which is lastly quite important for me… Audit is coming and LCCs are coming. And both are the same weekend. And there were an idea that I’m supposed to be in Marki during this time. It wasn’t even taken into the consideration what I prefer and what’s more valuable for me. For my own development (I don’t want to have anything in common with accountancy in the future). And what’s more I knew that during this time Edytka has team days in Paris with her old EB. So she has holidays and I should be in Marki. I just told her that I can come to Marki during the week and can spend there some time but I cannot just agree for this situation. I can help, frankly I want to help as I’m just interested how audit looks like but I also want to be on LCC. So we just need to combine both.

Because of the JD revising I’m also not going to take so many additional hours at the university. And I don’t know how to cope with my job finding. Probably I will just see how it’s going but maybe also search just for having this experience. I will think it over and plan! Yes, planning is AIESEC “zboczenie”.

The first day has passed

I was starting this conference with a feeling that I’m tired, not ready, don’t have energy, passion and motivation to be here. In fact that was he first time I was feeling so badly before the conference. And not even before but during the opening plenary! But now I feel quite good and motivated. I have now the feeling of purpose of being here. I’m still tired but anyway… People at “my” track, OCPs, are much more active and open that we could expect.

Some people approach me with some questions, doubts and I received really positive feedback so it’s great.

New proposition

As I was , I am, quite disapppointed with my jd, today I'd got meeting with Edytka and received new propositions of tasks. I have time tiil the end of the week to decide. So first is to coordinate from national level finance conference. To be in touch with organizing LC, service companies (conference is already sold) and to set up agenda with them. It will be connected with spending more time in Marki, devoting more time to AIESEC once again. So finance, external, project, logistic a little bit. A little bit of everything. This sounds really cool, interesting, challenging (especially in terms of er) and I'm interested much. But I'm afraid if I manage. I need to talk with several people, ask about their ideas of fields of cooperation, decision making process, responsibilities, how they are percieving it and with Patryk - if I'm good enough to manage with this external field. We were working more then one year together, he is er so will tell me the truth.
There is also proposition of coordinating finance learning network but we need to reconsider this and it's not sure if we are going to run these activities.
Also financial audit. For sure I will be present here in Marki and helping with it.
These are the most important, crucial and time consuming changes. As my university situation is still open I have space for these activities.
It sound really good for me - I will gain more knowledge - proffesional, external, develop more skills and competencies... And I'm just interested in them. Should I? Will I manage?

Marki welcome to

I'm in Marki again! We've just started a team days which are going to last till Tuesday, on Wenesday we are travelling to the AutCo venue - somewhere near Szczecin. I was not so happy to come here but now is quite cool here. Now some people are preparing supper, some watching TV, some sitting in front of the computers and chatting. I'm in this last group :). I've got here some people I'm feeling really good with. As always and everywhere I would say.
Today we've got integration with supper, we are going to chat all evening. It will be fun.
Tomorrow we are starting with "normal" agenda - plan review and update, IC update, AutCo premeeting and so on. Probably boring stuff :). I've got quite bad expectations - I'm prepared that will be bored here. Unfortunately. But on the other hand I can't wait AutCo. I am going to facilitate at OCP track. I'm still not prepared but I'm working on that :). And faci team is goining to be a little bit international - Poland, Germany, Estonia. Also I have to prepare some things at functional meeting. And one of my main aim at team days - talk and review my job description. I've got the feeling that I'm not doing anything. And I'm used to do something.
So, supper and wine is waiting! Marki welcome to!

Time looser

Really. I know I have quite much to do and I'm doing nothing. Tomorrow I have exam and I'm playing with computer. I've got the feeling that I have a lot of time. So or I have to less to do or I'm just lazy. Probably a little bit of both. When I'm trying to learn I've got this awful feeling that I already know this and it's simply easy. I hope I will have the same feeling during the exam and it will be reasonable... But truly now I feel better prepared than in June. Also I have to do two sessions for AutCo, one is challenging because it's difficult and a lot of theory, second is challenging because subject is so obvious and easy. But deadline is on Fridy 10pm so I have a lot of time. I've also decided to leave studying for today and to get up at 7 and study till at least 12, which gives about 4 hours. And that's a lot. Yes, effectiveness, effectiveness and effectiveness! And after AutCo I have to search for some other activities because otherwise I will be wasting my time. I'm too used to have no spare time... I'm tending to say that there are two main, the most visible at the first glance differences between NST and LCVP position. First is that you are not recieving thousends of important mails in one day any more and second is that you don't have anything to do for yesterday. You can do your tasks today, tomorrow, in 4 days or in a week... And the funniest thing in this is that I had never been so active before AIESEC. I was just learning. And learning. What a awful destiny I avoided! If not AIESEC I will be this kind of student which is always prepared, is learning, learning and learning. I was lucky :)
So now maybe I will turn off the computer, tomorrow after exam I'm going to reply all mails, do some urgent stuff and start prearing sessions. But sessions on Friday. And now - hmm... read book and study about 1hour. It will be okay for my conscience :)

Everyday life

My days look quite the same. Of course it depends on year time - holidays or "school days". During year when I'm studying, I'm leaving home early morning and coming back late evening. Yes, home is sometimes like a hotel. And day I was dividing between AIESEC office and classes and lectures. Don't ask me which option was winning :). Now, holidays looks a little bit different. I'm getting up late, eating some breakfest in bed usually, switching on computer or reading some book. But a huge part of my holidays I have been spending on conferences or in Marki. Or in train. Gdynia-Warsaw, Warsaw-Gdynia and of course once Warsaw-Moscow, Moscow-Warsaw (I rest so much then! more then 20hours!). And despite I haven't had a holidays like holidays - going somewhere to rest, having a sunbath or something like this, but I cannot say I regret. I even rest. I have no idea like my day is going to look like now when I'm not going to have a lot of work with AIESEC. I want to find some job finally. But now, still three weeks of holidays to go. It's raining heavily, time to come back to university. And that's not so suprising as I have two exams to repeat. But this is not official version. Official version is that I passed everything. What's the funniest some people know about 1 exam, some about 2, some about official version. I wonder how long :). So one week of studying (even not all, just to Thursday evening), then one week of team days and conference, and one week before studies. Then I will search for some job, I will also try to do soething with my plan to make it more reasonable. Which means deciding which lectures I can skip and where I can put my "awans" lectures (to make my fifth year shorter and more pleasant I'm doing some subjects earlier. And one of uch exams I failed :)).
So now I'm writing this post, coffee is waiting for me and books are also waiting for me... This week will be tough as I have these f..king exams and AutCo preparations. And I can't push myslef to learn!!! But I'm going now. Yes, study, study!!!

How did I make my mood better

Yes, that's quite funny. Because of this whole not funny situation ("not funny" it's huge metaphore!) I was talking a lot with Milenka, but yesterday Patryk started talk with me at gg (I had quite sad descritption there). He also wasn't happy at all. And I have to say I had pangs of conscience about Patryk (we met on Saturday and I hadn't told him about it...) but anyway we talked at gg and appointed for a wine on tomorrow evening in Marki. Ha! We will get drunk! Probably for sad but together :) And it made me feel much much more better. That's one thing - so when I'm sad - talk with me and appoint with me for a bottle of cheap wine. And second thing, so stupid, but now I feel more self confident about myself. I polish my nails at red. This is second time in my whole life when my nails are red. First was ball before my A exams. And if I knew, even expected, that such small thing would make me feel so I would have done it earlier. It's really strange how it's influencing my mood...

I also think that I'm more self confident because of FACI conference. I have no idea why but I feel a little bit different after it. More consciuos about myslef. More aware of my feelings and thoughts. Really strange but I'm glad because of that. This blog also is result of FACI.

Okay, tomorrow I'm getting up at 2.30 to catch the train to Warsaw (I'm always wondering if it makes any sense to go to sleep but always agree that yes, it makes) so probably it's high time to get some sleep. I'm going to spend there one day and night then going straightly to Ogonki and coming back home on Sunday evening. Them two exams in one week togheter with AutCo preparations, then one week at team days, AutCo, probably one week with my studies group at Władysławowo or somewhere there and classes begin. This holidays have been passing so quickly but also have been full of some events, a lot was happening. In total 4 conferences! A lot of... For sure it was worth. But AIESEC is a topic for some other time :)

Good you are here

Yes, good that you are here... Good I have somebody I can talk with. Yesterday I was with Milenka in Cyganeria for a cup of coffee. We decided taht we had to talk som after one hour we met there. We need to think over and talk about this shity situation. Good I can talk with Patryk, good I have NST to talk... And only if rest of NST wasn't against core MC... I feel terribly in the moddle but I think I value more the year in EB, I value it to much to destroy now everything because of some personal "wars". And I agree with both "parts" in some points but cannot agree with both of them in everything. That's why I'm so in the middle, I feel so lost. But what's the worst I can't, I'm no able to talk with each of them about second point of view. Everybody now are so closed. Goog, Milenka I can talk about it with you. On Thursday I going to Marki to AutCo premeeting (!!!) and I'm already appointed with Patryk for a wine :)
Because truly, the atmosphere is terrible but for me - in fact doesn't matter so much - I'm going home and I don't care what's going on in Marki. But of course (I don't know - unfortunately or fortunately) I do care... Have I ever thought that life is easy?

This time with a cup of coffee

Ha! For the first time I'm writing drinking a coffee... Have you ever thought where is the truth? You are hearing two quite different options. Both of them seems possible. But, depending on the version, meaning of each behaviour, situation is a little bit different. You are hearing about some shity situation but getting to know one, small detail change overtone, whole meaning of it. Have we been even thinking that there can be something behind? Or have we just judging people? And there is still about first impression which can decide about our judgements, thoughts...
I feel like this now. I don't know who I should believe. I don't have any reasons not to believe both of them. So where is the truth? Somewhere in the middle?

we could expect this. unfortunately

Yes, unfortunately we could. I could. Sometimes I pay attention to really small, in fact not so important things or facts and I treat them like crucial ones. I'm trying to stop this but not always I'm able to. But at the other hand these kinds are easy, small and makes you feel appriciated for your work. Yes, I have right now such a moment. We, NST and Przemo, organized FACI conference. It was great success (have I said that I'm also modest?:)) but also a lot of work and I was hoping, in fact it was even quite obvious for me, that core MC would appriciated it somehow. With simple mail to us with thanking or congratulating or anything. And what? Nothing. Some post was put at the community but it was rather like memories from last year conference. And we recieved mail from exMCP! Hmmm...
I do know that this is not so important, I know that we, I, did a great job but such small appriciation would be something nice and will make me feel better, make me know that they are also noticing our job and effort.
Yes, and that's how by paying attention to such stupid things I'm able to make myslef feel bad. Basia, you did a great job! There are still people which see it!!

Nothing to be hurry for

Few days ago I was walking quickly through some street, doesn't matter when and where and what for. And suddenly I realized that there is nothing to be hurry for! I had a lot of time, I could took my time... I slowed down and felt quite strange. I'm used to walking fast, during last 1,5 year I was almost always in a hurry - to catch a train, to reach my classes, to go to the library, to go for the coffee... It was so normal for me that realizing that I don't need to was like aha moment :). I started to listen to my steps, I tried to feel my body - how it is to walk slow, how it was influencing my breath, my mind, my mood. Really, aha moment. It doesn't mean at all that this last 1,5year was difficult or "not nice". It was great for many reasons but now I'm trying something else. Relax, reflect, take my time

Punia

I have a dog. She is really dangerous, you have to be really careful as she can lick you to death. Yes, she's so friendly to everybody. But also has a character. Little princess. Needs a lot of place to sleep, preferably in the bed, when it's only a little cold she has to sleep under cover. And it's you who have to be careful not to hurt her! Because she seems she's not care. And for sure Punia knows how to get what she wants. Just look at her - will you be able to refuse her anything?

She hates when it's raining. In such situation she stays under the roof. Doesn't matter if you want to go for a walk. You can go, Punia will wait. As a little princess she's not eating everything. She loves cookies and old bread. Sometimes I have impression that even more than meat. She's not barking. Sometimes she's miaowing like a cat. But she is also so friendly. When I'm coming back home, tired after whole day, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, it's enough when Punia will run to the doors, she is welcoming me as she hasn't seen me since ages. And as she likes cuddling so much, it's really okay for her to lay at the bed close to you, I'm feeling better immedietly. But also as a princess she's doing whatever she wants. She's litening to us only when she knows, feels that she really has to. How does she know it? Usually, we call her: "You fool dog!" but she's smart. Knows when she needs to hide inder the table because we want to wash her or knows when we are angry at her and needs to be careful... Yes, that's Punia. Like a family member for us....

Big random

Almost nothing left from my plans to have the day just for me. I was doing different stuff, went even to the office for half an hour but frankly, it was really nice day. I haven't been running nowhere (quite rare!) and thinking about my plans for next term. I'm, ok I will be soon, at the fourth year of economics. But these studies are so poor, so boring, so teoritcal... I think that this is problem which all AIESECers have - as we are doing a lot of things, learning a lot by doing, we are expecting this also from the studies. Usually I'm not attending lectures (waste of time), and if I can I'm doing the same with the classes. I'm really expecting some practical things! When I was in EB of the Local Committee, I was managing with 5 other people LC which consist of about 50 members, managing projects, facilitating and training at the conferences - national and international - I really have high expectations. At least at methods of learning... But not at our university... So now, as I finished my term as EB (fortunately and unfortunately) and I have position which is not so time consuming I'm afraid I will be bored. That's why I'm thinking so much about this term and my possibilities. I'm sure I have to do something as I'm used to not having almost any free time. And now I have (this blog is one of the proff - I have time to write it! :)). But what is the funiest - again I have exams to repeat! I have no idea how it happened.. Okay, I have some :).

Today I found on one community a post called "Life in short words". And it was about finishing four senteces:
I believe
I hope
I fear
One day I will
I thought that the idea was really great. I had never been answering to such posts, taking part in such global discussions but this time I had. And my answers are:

I believe in people
I hope about the future
I fear loosing sence
One day I will be the person I want to be.

Yeah, big random... :)

The day for myself

Tomorrow, in fact today as it's after midnight, I'm going to make a day for myself. Only for myslef. I will read some books which I don't have time to read, I will take a long bath, have a long walk, just take care of myslef... I guess it's high time for such a day. And it's not because last days were tiring and exhausting but sometimes we just need such days to recover, relax... The last days were just great - quite much of reflection, inspiration and getting to know that what I'm doing is good, that I have influence for other people - my actions, attitudes. That's great feeling beacuse I feel now appriciated but also huge responsibility for people and for myself. Tomorrow - time for more reflection!

The beggining is always hard...

I don't know why exactly I decided to write this. Maybe to get to know myslef better? My thoughts? Or maybe just to share with people what I feel, what think? I used to write a diary sometimes, when I had a need for it so my some kind of continuation? For sure I want to be here always true with myslef, that's my main goal...
I don't want to introduce myslef here... I think that what I'm going to write here will be the best description. So, let's start!